7 Ways the Narcissist Uses the Silent Treatment to Punish & Control You

You had a fight. Or maybe not! Maybe you just said something and they walked away from you and stopped responding to you. Maybe you made an actual mistake. Maybe you accused them of something (more likely, called them out on their behavior). And maybe you have no idea what just happened.

With Narcissists, situations escalate quickly. Here are 5 ways the Narcissist uses the Silent Treatment to punish you. Shutting someone out and disregarding their thoughts and feelings can create feelings of panic, worthlessness, and painful frustration.

1. They blame you for something and then refuse to talk to you about it.

You are left frustrated wanting to settle things and they have slammed the communication door SHUT! The narcissist will make the whole situation your fault and refuse to talk to you until you calm down or until they feel you have been punished properly — which could be the next day, the next week… or even months! They will never admit that they created a mountain out of a molehill — they have blown up the entire situation and misinterpreted everything. Narcissists take things personally and if you call them out on their behavior, they will teach you a lesson by not answering your texts or worse, blocking you. And yes, friends and family do this too. It’s not just lovers. The narcissist uses the Silent Treatment typically in response to something they’re feeling threatened or hurt by. When using the Silent Treatment, they pass these feelings onto you. It is your problem instead of theirs.

2. They won’t point a finger at you, but they’ll say they need a little personal space.

Sometimes, just for fun, a narcissist will purposely create space between the two of you. Usually, it’s because of something you said or did. Maybe you told them you couldn’t see them that week because you wanted to stay home and curl up with a good book, or maybe you wanted to visit your auntie. Maybe your girlfriend wanted to hang out and your partner didn’t love that idea. Or maybe they’ve met someone new and they are pursuing that person because you pissed them off one too many times. What they call mental health is a covert maneuver to make you pay by waiting for their affection.

3. They will tell you they can’t talk to you because they feel hurt. That is bull.

When a narcissist’s ego has been injured, they will try anything to get the upper hand, and one tactic is to cut you off. Some might even say they do this to control the situation, that is, if they are being honest. But most will do this to provide you with a consequence for an action — to teach you a lesson. They know the pain silence inflicts on their victims, and they can now take a deep breath and feel at peace while you are spinning trying to reach them — trying to figure out what you did wrong. You have so much to say but they won’t listen to you because they have severed the channel of communication.

4. They want to control you.

If you behave in a way that displeases the narcissist, they may respond with silence. As you begin to recognize what triggers their disapproval, you may develop a dependence on their validation to feel worthy. This silence deepens feelings of powerlessness and fear — in return in deepens their control over you. In an effort to regain their approval and perceived “love,” victims often go to great lengths to comply. Over time, you learn what is and isn’t acceptable to them, gradually shaping your life around their terms rather than your own.

5. They want to deflect responsibility.

If the narcissist has done something that you are trying to hold them accountable for, they may resort to the silent treatment to shift your focus away from what they did wrong and onto the fact that they are giving you the silent treatment. The fact that stonewalling is such a naturally uncomfortable experience makes it an effective avoidance tool for a narcissist.

6. They want to provoke you.

If a narcissist is feeling insecure, they may provoke you. This provocation aims to make you look and feel like you are acting ugly and to manufacture a scenario that makes the narcissist look and feel better. Narcissists spend a lot of energy comparing themselves to others, so maneuvering situations to make themselves feel better is crucial to protecting their fragile egos.

7. They want to make you dependent upon them.

Repeating cycles of no contact creates a brain dependence. A significant part of relationships with narcissists is becoming caught in the narcissistic abuse cycle. This cycle involves the narcissist giving the victim an ideal relationship standard to chase, followed by devaluation and rejection. This cyclical pattern will repeat as long as the narcissist finds the relationship useful. However, it often leaves the victim feeling confused, hopeless, and stuck within the relationship and the cycle of abuse.

Do not settle for less! You are a valuable asset to this world and people need you. An unhealthy relationship filled with hidden abuse will tear you down. A healthy partner will lift you up, celebrate your good qualities, and give grace to your flaws and humanness. A healthy relationship has forgiveness, not punishment. Acceptance. Kindness. Respect. Honor. Praise. A good partner will celebrate you. This is not love bombing, this is how a true friend, family member, or partner responds to you being in their lives. Maybe not every minute of every day, but they will prove over and over again that you are important to them in so many ways.