When Life Feels Like Shit
It’s time to write a few posts about my life. Are you wondering who I am? I have shared only a little of my story here on Narcissist Free. In a nutshell, I met my ex-husband when I was 29, I dated him for 3-4 years, and finally, we were married. There were no reasons to marry other than he was the guy I was with, and I could not leave him. He was going to be the key to my happiness, the person who would launch me from an “Old Maid” to a wife. Marrying would bring closer to my dreams—a house, a car, children. Everything I’d ever wanted was so close I could put my arms around my future life. Looking back, I was blind to the dozens of hurdles we’d have to overcome. My ex-husband was addicted to cocaine and alcohol which led to two explosive situations where he brutally attacked me up in a coke fit, smashing my head into the ground so many times that my brain swelled with injuries and my arms were left with fingertip bruises. In another argument, he broke ribs. His drug and alcohol addiction led to numerous infidelities, one in which cheated on me with my best friend. He was addicted to porn and sometimes that led to teen porn. Interestingly, most of the drama, physical abuse, and extreme addiction took place before we were married. Perhaps this gives you a peek into the state of my emotional wellness. I was not a healthy woman when I met him, and I became even sicker by being around him.
Today, two narcissistic breakups and 1 child later, I look back and can see that marriage was doomed. We gave it a shot, our best. He sobered up. I went to 12-step recovery for friends and family members. We got better, together. And that was a miracle.
I began to believe in us again, but the dream ended abruptly when he came home after a weekend retreat with his men’s group and told me he wasn’t in love with me and he never was. I was devastated. He took our little boy (2 at the time) to the park and I went to a friend’s house to cry and cry and cry. That was a Sunday. Tuesday he had an apartment. Thursday he moved out. He never came home.
What ensued was a 2 year waiting period, longing for him to return to me. I thought he just needed time. So I waited. Patiently. He told me he was thinking about it.
Later I found out he was seeing someone. When that ended he came back to me for a day or two, and then, without rhyme or reason, backed off and became the cold harsh distant elusive man he had been for the two years prior. A few months later I believe he met his now wife. He became nice to me again but told me it was for sure over and he wanted a divorce. He waited 2 more years to file, enough time to — what I believe — stash away a ton of money on the 20+ properties that were being foreclosed. There were too many lies to list here. We all know what they are. These lies were intended to keep me legally married to him while he lived with his soon-to-be wife so that he could continue to keep the money flowing into his side of the river, while I was sitting on the other side with a blindfold on. He denies all of this of course.
Today, it’s 7 years later since he moved out. I’m 7 years older and a bit wiser. I’ve been through quite a few trials the past 7 years. My son was 2 and still nursing 2x a day. I was in a grave amount of pain, raising a son, making our lives pleasant and lovely and adventurous, all the while nursing my broken heart.
Two years after my ex-husband left and had fallen in love with another woman, I started dating again. This guy was everything my ex-husband wasn’t in terms of love. I’ll save the details for another blog entry, but suffice to say, he was a psychopath. First class.
Three years ago that psychopathic relationship ended. I haven’t dated since.
I went online and met a few guys. Each one is interesting in his own right. But each was a letdown. A big giant THUD. Total and huge disappointment.
And then I met R. Oh my gosh, R was so different. I could not believe it. Delighted, I would chat with him, cautiously keeping myself held back from excitement. He continued, slowly, to surprise me. He was not love bombing me (a term used to describe how narcissist’s bate their prey) and that was such a nice feeling. We talked, shared. Nothing major. Just texting. Not even a phone call conversation.
Lesson learned I must say. While I’m getting better at spotting the narcissists, I’m still making a lot of mistakes. My sweet R pulled back suddenly, abruptly. It was noticeable. My feelers are not “out”, but my experience and comment sense tells me when something is not right. And all of the sudden, something was not right.
And he left me hanging for a couple days. And he pulled back. And it felt awful. Felt like shit. Felt like both of my ex’s. Unexplicable, yet dangerously familiar.
And wouldn’t you know, here I am again with a bit of a silent treatment, only this time it’s not to punish. It’s because he’s confused and pursuing other avenues while maybe keeping me strung along just in case.
And life feels like shit again.
A beautiful day.
And I feel like shit.
And here I am again.
Having to put aside or deal with these hurt feelings and put on my game face and deal with life when all I really want to do is pray to God that the clamp around my heart goes away and I get a bit of relief.
Are there any good guys out there yet? Are there?
R told me, after I confided my insecurities to him, that I would not be having these if we met in person, that he would pull me in close.
And I believed him.
And less than 12 hours later he was interested in someone else.
A guy I believed in. Genuine. Honest.
Not fair. Not fair that I am tucked away my hopes and dreams only to have them drawn out into the open and then stepped on again. He called it “news”. He called breaking my heart “news”.
“It’s difficult to give this news to someone I enjoyed talking with.”
I’m just done with dating. Really. I believe I have to resolve to be alone the rest of my life. It’s been 3 years. No interest from the opposite sex. No interest on my part. The men I’ve met on match.com have all been so nice, then we meet in person and I never hear from them again. R was different. I developed a closeness with a man I’ve never met. And my heart is shattered. And yes, life feels like shit. Complete and total crap. I’m so far away from everything I want. I have been in the trenches for 7 years, maybe longer. I’ve been without a man who truly loved me for a long long time. I’m feeling sorry for myself. I’m feeling not worthy. I’m feeling like I’m not enough.
Today is not a good day.
I know it seems like nothing is right unless there is a man in your life, BUT…
Must we, as women, always be waiting around for our life to be meaningful? Is there no way for life as a single woman to have contentment and purpose? Must there always only be a man involved to not be shit?
You are completely right!!
I am working on re-writing this blog entry because I do not want that to be the message. I’m glad you commented!
Cheer Up dear friend 💜
Thinking of you. Keeping you in my prayers.
I am 63 and it is more difficult than you know trying to start over after so many years of abuse and 3 hoovers. I am desperately trying to let go and move on this time but just don’t feel like I have the strength. I am lonely and probably wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for my son. I will pray and keep putting one foot in front of the other.