It had been a very busy Saturday in May 2013. After a day full of activities with an almost 3-year-old, I was exhausted. I knew the day would not get any better knowing I wasn’t allowed to attend my mother-in-laws birthday because I didn’t have childcare for our son. (It was a kid free/ adult party.) So with that being said, I decided that evening my son and I would spend the evening with my parents. That day would become the turning point of my adulthood. The day I decided to say NO. No control, abuse, adultery, and humiliation.

 

That day something in my newly 30-year-old body just exploded. Enough is enough. I packed up my car with the essentials need for me and my son. I grabbed my personal documents, and I headed to my parents.

 

No matter how hard I tried to prove myself to him, it was never enough.

 

I showed up with a clueless little toddler on my hip, and I was sobbing on their front porch. As my parents opened the door, their eyes were bigger than the moon. “What’s wrong my dear Sarah? Are you okay?”

 

“NO, NO, I’m not okay. I’m leaving him, and I’m moving in tonight!”

 

Looking back, that day in 2013 changed my life forever. I was making the decision to finally have a voice and no longer allow this total monster use and abuse me for his own enjoyment. My family had absolutely no idea what hell I had been living in. I hid everything from them. After all, who wants to admit they are in an abusive, toxic relationship ?

 

I met XXXX when I was 20, randomly at the beach. My eyes had honestly never seen a more attractive man. I was always your average gangly girl, and the mere fact that such a beautiful man was interested in me just left me over the moon. Right away he wooed me. He wanted to spend every minute with me. He texted and called me all the time. Bought me flowers, planned all sorts of dinners. I had never met any man who wanted to spend so much time with me. Our relationship moved fast. He wanted all of me, and wanted to make sure I was all his. I didn’t really understand his logic, but I was willing to do anything and everything to keep this man and “make” him happy. This was the beginning of the end of who Sarah was.

 

People would say, “Why would you live like this?”

 

XXXX was not only a man of amazing looks, but he came from a very well known family in the community. He was very wealthy with several thriving businesses. He was the total package from the outside… Looks, family, money, and charming…. Oh how he could walk into a room and take total control of it.. He was always full of amazing stories of military school, and going to the police academy… Yes that’s right he not only ran his family businesses, but he was a police officer too. We married when I was 23 and he 24. I worked for his family business, and we lived in a home owned by his parents. He had total control of my life. He knew where I was at all times. I didn’t even have to drive to work as one of the business was right next to our house.

 

I spent my days going to work then coming home. I was not allowed to have friends or do anything outside the house besides going to the grocery store. XXXX always accused me of trying to lie to him or cheat on him. No matter how hard I tried to prove myself to him it was never enough. I would be questioned about the clothes I wore or if I highlighted my hair. He would question me if I was too quiet or if I talked to much… I was always nervous around him.. I never knew if I would get the funny joking XXXX or the nasty mean yelling XXXX. He was never home.. He would stay over at the office long after business hours…. “What was he doing over there ?” I would always wonder but never dare ask. I was not to ask questions….

 

People would say,  “Why would you live like this?” But I was with XXXX!!! He’s beautiful and wealthy! Without him I have nothing… So I continued to live this way. I had chosen this, so I knew I would just have to live this way.

 

My son was born in the summer of 2010. The complete joy of my life, the reason I live every single day. The most amazing gift from God. After John was born things just got worse. The attention was now shifted to the baby. XXXX never helped with John. He never fed, bathed, or diapered him… XXXX refused to sleep upstairs because he didn’t want to hear the baby cry at night. “I need my sleep!” he would tell me. I remember having the flu and crawling down the stairs sick as a dog begging him to help feed the baby one night.

 

I was so tired, weak, and abused. I was a frail 95 pounds… I just couldn’t keep up with keeping him happy, working full time, and taking care of a baby. He always belittled me for being too thin… He would tell me I looked like I had cancer and to not bother taking my clothes off. I was beyond miserable… just dead inside that someone I cared and loved so much thought so poorly of me. What did I do to make him so hateful? I did everything he ever asked of me.

 

I also found many emails and texts to other women and even a few MEN! No doubt he was cheating on me. He even sent out personal nude photos of my body to people all over the internet. Again… I overlooked it all… just to keep the “look” of our “happy” family together. The whole town knew he was awful to me. No one ever told XXXX NO, not even his parents… He was the chosen golden child. The child to carry on the name and run all the businesses. His parents saw how he treated me, but they just turned their heads. My only friend was XXXX’s mother. She was the only one I was allowed to do things with outside the home.

 

I left back in 2013. I had no job, no house, and he took my car during the divorce. He really didn’t care I even left… I think he was trying to push me so I would be the one to file, and I did. It’s been such a long hard road to recovery… and each day is still a struggle.

 

I have my own job and house after living at home with my parents and sharing a bed with my son for 18 months. But yet I still miss him like crazy. I still wonder why I am not good enough for him… What could I have done differently… We had 10 years of memories together and a child… and it all meant nothing to him… I haven’t dated in over 3 years… I have no desire to, but yet I long to know what real love is….. XXXX however has dated many women and is now engaged to his girlfriend of 3 months…. and it crushes me….. What does he see in her that he didn’t in me????

 

And I am still learning that my value is not based on what my ex thinks of me...

 

The money and power continues to go to his head… Yet I am still the same 20 year old girl he met back in 2003. I have been in counseling since before my marriage ended… I’ve been to several …. some days I’m okay… and others I just don’t understand how my life turned out like this… I have to be strong for myself, but mostly I do it for my son. I want him to know his mother is strong, and I am worthy of being loved. I am a mother, but I am also Sarah… A girl with thoughts, and opinions, likes, and dislikes…. I want my son to not judge someone based on the car they drive, or the clothes they wear.

 

This is my story in a nutshell… of course there is much more, and many details I have left out… but its clear my ex-husband was and is not a good man. I know I deserve better. It’s a process of getting my logical thinking, my emotions balanced and understanding XXXX will never be the man I want him to be.

 

And I am still learning that my value is not based on what my ex thinks of me… I still hear his voice calling me F*#king Trash and it crushes me…

 

We share 50/50 of our son, John. And I am thankful that XXXX is present and active in John’s life. I never engage with XXXX when I have to see him. I stay silent and only talk if need be about our son.. Silence is the only tool I have against him. Each day seems to get a little easier…